Coifefe: The Man, The Hair, The Donald Trump

What does your chosen hairstyle say about you? Mine currently says woke up at 6am after a hard weekend. I rock that look. But then, it doesn’t really matter whether I spend that extra 20 minutes of sleep time sorting out my barnet, because I’m not a world leader. Yet. But you know who is a tremendous world leader? 45^th president of the United States of America, Donald Trump. Forget your Kim Kong-Cuts and Thatcherite Thatches, his is the kind power hair that exudes the fire and fury of a nuclear holocaust.

The Donald Trump Tower of Hair

Who on the world stage can match the sheer size of his hair? Like a cloud perched atop Mount Rushmore, his regal crest adds another element to his already-prodigious height. It says that this is the kind of man you don’t want to get into a trade war with. It’s the Trump Tower of hair.

There are of course various rumours out there of the ways in which the President curates his follicle kingdom, ranging from archaic scalp-stretching surgery, to an almighty combover, to simply threatening it if his hairline ever begins to recede.

45^th president of the United States of America, Donald Trump

Nearly all of it’s fake news, obviously, as is every detraction of the greatest world leader that ever led the world. But would it be such a bad thing if there were a grain of truth? Look who we’re stuck with. If Teresa May spent a fraction of the time Donald Trump supposedly does on her hair she’d have seduced Tusk into a Brexit deal months back. Is it so wrong for a figurehead to want to look his best?

Time and Effort

Then there’s the time and effort spent. If Trump spends as much time on his hair as his detractors say, then surely, he must spend even more time weightily assessing every governmental decision he makes. If he’s as discerning about lawmaking as he is about ensuring he’s well-coiffed then the USA will have a constitution as delectable as a Trump-brand steak.

Yes, occasionally the veneer might slip as a stiff gust of wind interrupts his soaring, multifaceted verbosity, but that just serves as an insight into the dedication this man puts into his work. He’s willing to risk the elements and show a moment of vulnerability to better serve his country.

Follicle Point

With all that in mind it’s not hard to see why the world is jealous of Trump’s hair. It’s a focal point (follicle point?) for all the insecure liberals to rage against, a symbol of the magnificence they can never achieve. Does the hair bend to demands? No. Does the hair compromise on its values? No. Will the hair make America great again? Probably not.